For some time now, Asian
mysticism has defied common sense, not to mention a number of international
treaties, by attracting vast numbers of adherents here in the West. And not one
of them can give you the least idea as to what the fuss is about. “It’s beyond
words,” they’ll tell you. “It just is. . . .”
At that point they usually go back to banging on a gong, selfishly leaving you
as puzzled as ever.
Undoubtedly the most popular
of the mystical aberrations besetting society nowadays is Buddhism (a
2,500-year-old fad if ever I’ve seen one). Each year it attracts more
practitioners—despite the requirement that those wishing to remain in good
standing wear identical, indifferently dyed, and rather itchy ankle-length
robes.
Still, for all their exotic
origins, Buddhists are not particularly original folks. They join Baptists,
Catholics, Hindus, Mormons, Muslims, Quakers, Scientologists, and small but
growing numbers of nudists in frowning on serious breaches of etiquette, like
bad breath and premeditated murder. As if that weren’t enough, converts to
Buddhism must also renounce lying, stealing, having hair, using makeup, cheap
romance novels, sex with uncouth people, and even alcohol.
Oh, and converts must also
renounce desire. For Buddhists the thing that makes human existence miserable
is the act of desiring. The average jaded non-Buddhist in the sophisticated
West, on the other hand, generally finds the bad-mouthing of desire to be
rather amusing (unless said non-Buddhist has exceeded his or her credit card
limit). This curious Buddhist notion about desire may thus be ignored as
antiquated and irrelevant, particularly since Buddhists are obviously not
allowed to watch even old Meg Ryan movies.
All of which brings us to
the crux of the matter: Could anything be less American and therefore more
dangerous than Buddhism? (This question is strictly rhetorical except for those
advanced readers who have by this point finished their second Scotch.) Of
course not. And if something isn’t done soon, Buddhism could easily rob us of,
say, our urge to bring democracy to oil-rich dictatorships.
Let us therefore agree that
if Buddhism continues to extend its reach in the West (i.e., beyond the range
of New Age bookstore incense), technologically advanced peoples must refuse to
sit still for it. But here is where we must exercise extreme caution if our
children are to thrive and, in turn, be annoyed by their own children in the
world we’re bequeathing them. Buddhists, you see, adore sitting still. And
meditating. In silence.
If this revelation doesn’t
convince you that Buddhism is bent on bringing Western civilization to an
excruciatingly boring halt, you may need to re-read the preceding paragraphs.
In fact, you’d do well to re-read them until either you become as alarmed as
any red-blooded Westerner would, or else you attain enlightenment and at last
can give in to your desire to put your designer jeans back on.