06E024

High Gas Prices Explained

Yes, gas is expensive - but that’s only because it costs more than you have. Although alternative fuels exist, people still prefer gas and are willing to be pumped for it. For example, in spite of their availability for many years, cars that run on smokeless tobacco have never sold well. The supply is there – the demand is not. Perhaps the prospect of having to place a hefty pinch of “chaw” between the front bumper and license plate every three hundred miles discourages potential buyers. New laws that no longer allow these cars inside public buildings also contribute to poor sales.

As for rising gas prices, backward thinking alarmists would have you believe that tanking supplies are fueling a burning demand. In reality, there is absolutely no shortage of gas supplies - you can have all you want as long as it’s in a red container. Further proof lies in construction plans sketched on fine linen napkins folded neatly in the files of the esteemed American Society of Civil Engineering and Unrest (“We keep the nation running ASCEU”). They confirm that the very holes currently being dug to build modern gas stations are no deeper nowadays than they were thirty years ago. Napkins don’t lie well when not on your lap.

No, the real cause of higher gas prices is due to the soaring demand for a dwindling supply of this nation’s most renewable resource - credit cards. And credit cards are made of plastic, a petrochemical whose availability becomes scarce when undesirably low gas prices enable motorists to fill their tanks at will.

Heavily distorted surveys suggest that buying gas with cash is the last resort of a desperate consumer, regardless of the number of side airbags that come standard. Motorists would prefer to purchase expensive gas they can’t afford in lesser quantities with a credit card as long as flagrant flyer miles can be earned. This in turn leads to increased petrochemical supplies to produce even more credit cards, thus facilitating the purchase of even less gas at higher prices yet. “When the price is high, the sooner you fly.” Simple.

As for the compelling argument that higher gas prices drive up the cost of other goods, one must apply cold, hard logic (individual results may vary – consult your physician before applying anything cold and hard). To begin with, those goods will never even reach the stores because the transportation costs are too prohibitive. Besides, you don’t need them anyway - they only cause a distraction while driving.

We will end this discussion with a word about value. When you allow for the ongoing inflation of the average human body plus unsightly plaque buildup, a gallon of gasoline must work harder than ever before. On average, it must propel twice the weight per cubic horsepower than your father’s Studebaker. Taking these factors into consideration, the actual cost of a gallon of gas really hasn’t risen all day.