06E035
Is my watch right, or is there no such thing as time
any more?
I have never thought I’d be
alive on the day when scientists around the world would be proclaiming that time may not exist. I’m not talking
about dozing off on the train and accidentally taking a return trip back to
where you started (as embarrassing as that must be).
I’m referring to celebrated
physicists Professors Wheeler and DeWitt
suddenly noticing in one of their internationally acclaimed physics
equations that:
“There
may be no such thing as time, and the universe
may
actually be frozen and unchanging.”
Until now, my understanding
of the physics of time could best be summed by my friend Herman Hupfeld. He was
so convinced time was real that he wrote and made us all whistle, As Time Goes By. And as we whistled, I
believe we all got used to the idea that time was in fact going by. I certainly did. And the record shows that nobody has as
yet disproved Mr. Hupfeld’s memorable song lyrics.
Now, I will be the first to
admit there have been those moments, such as that splendid piano sing-along in
Montmartre last year, when I wished that time would stand still. And of course it did stand still, until about
four the next morning when I woke up under the piano. No sooner was I back at
my hotel, when time began throwing its weight around again, concluding with my
Monday morning wake up call, which served to tumble me out of bed. I had to
take a 9 AM flight back to the office for a meeting at 5 o’clock on Monday
afternoon.
Now, if Professors Wheeler
and DeWitt are right, I really didn’t have to fly back to the office at all.
Because there was no 9 o’clock in the morning or even a Monday afternoon. So
how could there be a meeting? I could
have just rolled over when that wake-up call came in, and ordered a croissant
and cafe from room service.
On the other hand, as
brilliant as they may be, it is still possible that the good professors may be
mistaken. It’s one thing to lose a pair of glasses, or even a set of keys, but
when somebody goes off and forgets what they did with one of our principal
dimensions, I don’t think it brash to suggest that they take another look at
their equations. Perhaps, they have dropped a zero somewhere or forgotten to
carry a five. I’ve certainly done it enough times writing checks. And there’s
been no end to the mayhem it has caused.
However, if Professors
Wheeler and DeWitt insist on sticking to their calculations and can’t seem to
figure out what they did with the fourth dimension, then I say, let’s just toss
away our clocks, our calendars and our “Closed, back at 2” signs and crack open
some champagne (Dom Perignon 1945, if there was a 1945), and let the good times roll. (No, I’m not trying to
confuse you. It just slipped out.)