06E084

QUITTING COFFEE: I'D RATHER BE EATEN BY A RAPTOR

According to a recent study, scientists disagree about when humans, the smartest, most adaptable creatures on earth, will finally be killed by breakfast food.

Of course, that assumes the world will not be destroyed before breakfast. After all, the destruction of the world, scientists say, is oncoming. Some scientists believe that because of global warming the human race has only a century until the polar ice caps melt and dinosaurs return. However, more serious scientists, who actually use evidence and observation, think itÕs more like three or four weeks. Pat Robertson, a brilliant volunteer scientist, thinks the entire human race died five minutes ago because it failed to try his new diet.

All this scientific confusion generally starts when a group of scientists takes the trouble of performing a complex experiment with the highest technical sophistication, and a group of journalists takes the trouble of reporting this experiment after sniffing glue.

For instance, in March a troubling story was published that coffee may increase your risk of non-fatal heart attacks if a high incidence of non-fatal heart attacks runs in your family or your dog.

Now, I am lucky, because nothing tends to run in my family, not even my dog. We spend more time sitting down. My dog spends most hours of the day noting where his tail is and most hours of the night forgetting where he left it. Unless he has coffee in the morning, he is likely to forget he has a tail, at which point, as youÕd expect, the cat must explain it to him with story-boards.

The same goes for me. Without at least three cups of coffee in the morning, I cannot accomplish basic life tasks, such as losing the remote control, or even more vital, checking the time on my cell phone. Often, as youÕd expect, the cat has to help me with story-boards.

Which is why when I hear about this kind of study -- coffee kills! more on page A13 -- I take great intellectual pains with it, because I know whatÕs at stake in trying to open to page A13 without the paper unraveling. Once on page A13 I read the article, carefully noting how many underwear advertisements are on each side of it until I understand the situation well enough to conclude, with the highest scientific accuracy, that Victoria Secret is having a sale.

As for the actual article, I pay very little attention to the details. This weekÕs story showing that eating broccoli can make you immortal only disproves last weekÕs story showing that broccoli may have been involved in the Kennedy Assassination.

So just because science says coffee may kill me does not mean I will stop drinking it. According to science, after all, the world is ending soon. In a few weeks, the dinosaurs will rise again and, unless it goes on Pat RobertsonÕs diet, the human race is in serious trouble.

My plan? Feed the dinosaurs coffee.

I heard it kills.