How To Be Your Own Worst Enemy



Being your own worst enemy can be quite helpful, particularly if you are not especially menacing or effective as an enemy. In fact, the notion of a loser like you managing to sabotage you is simply preposterous, when you think about it. The only thing sillier is the idea of an idiot like you successfully defending yourself against you.

Many people mistakenly believe that it is preferable to go outside themselves when choosing a mortal foe. This is just faulty thinking. An enemy who is not you is unpredictable; their motives are unclear, their methods enigmatic. Best to just stick to the good old enemy you have battled since birth.

For pragmatic types, try thinking of it in terms of odds -- if you are your own worst enemy, your chances of prevailing are doubled. For example, if your enemy “Joe” gets you fired from your job, then it is a clear-cut win for “Joe”, and a loss for you. That’s too bad.

If, however, you get yourself fired from your job, then, yes, you’ve still lost, but your own worst enemy, who is also you, has won! You as your own worst enemy will be whistling a happy tune as you fortify the cardboard refrigerator box in which the two of you will live.

If, of course, you manage to overtake your own worst enemy and keep your job for a while longer, then you have still won! The part of you that is you will be able to go out and celebrate with your friends. And who knows, maybe your own worst enemy will get to have a bit of fun too, when you wake up the next morning with a pounding headache in a completely alien environment. Worst enemies love that sort of thing.

There are those who would take the opposite view regarding your relationship to yourself. These callow fools would have you believe that you ought to be your “own best friend.” What utter nonsense! Is there anything more pitiable than walking around claiming to be your “own best friend”? Were you not able to scare up even one other individual to be your friend? It simply looks bad, and is heartbreakingly reminiscent of the “imaginary friend” of childhood. It is definitely advisable, therefore, to look to an outside supplier for friendship. As the saying goes, “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” No one is closer to you than you.

Lastly, being your own worst enemy safeguards you against being beaten by anyone else. While it may appear that you have lost to some third party, it is really you, your own worst enemy, who has conquered you preemptively. You’re such a whirlwind of self-sabotage, no one else can even get close.

So, love yourself. And while you’re at it, you should also heed the inimitable words of Jesus Christ: “Love thy enemy.”
And remember: if your enemy is you, you’re pocketing double the love.