06E103
Offal House
I have always
been a strong proponent of offal consumption. For those unfamiliar with the
somewhat antiquated term, offal refers to the various tasty internals of an
animal, including kidneys, liver, tripe, bone marrow, pancreas and thymus among
others. Morbid though this may sound, there is a great tradition of consuming
said offal. Innards were a sacrament of the Etruscan Haruspex, used to divine
the future and interpret messages from the gods. Sort of like a slightly more
juicy version of our modern Thanksgiving wishbone tradition. The Romans used to
take offal and stuff it with other kinds of offal. They were particularly fond
of duck and goose liver.
Offal
should definitely be a more common part of the everyday American diet. Chances
are, we are already eating a lot more of it than we know. Anyone who has ever
graced the hallowed halls of Taco Bell must be aware that eighty-five percent
of the meat served within is made of snout and/or tail. With accurate labels,
at least we would all be eating the highest quality offal available. Instead of
Waffle House, inebriated young people could go out to Offal House at two in the
morning. Even better, they could go to IHOO— the International House Of Offal.
If you’ve ever been to Waffle House or Denny’s in the middle of the night, you
know the food isn’t that good. Actually, it’s a little like buttered paper
maché. Pretty much anything can be vastly improved with copious amounts of
blueberry syrup (conveniently provided in the syrup bar). Pancakes? Syrup.
Patty-melt? Syrup. Tripe? Syrup.
The only snag would be that the International
House of Offal might have a little trouble putting pictures of all of their
dishes on the menu. It would look more like a two-page spread of an abattoir.
That’s the last thing you want to see when you’re coming down from a bad acid
trip or a three-day mescaline bender. So maybe tasteful descriptions would be
better. The Germans seem to have made this system work. They are able to get
tourists to eat all manners of offal with the simple method of writing all of
their menus in German. With no pictures to look at and a stark vocabulary made
up of the words “Bier” and “Schwein,” it’s as easy as steak and kidney pie for
an ignorant American tourist to end up with a big plate full of offal. What’s
this? A delicacy? It has a tail. Why does my dumpling have a tail? Oh, well,
when in Rome, eat tail.
The reluctance of John Q. Public to wolf down
lamb’s brain this humble gourmand’s comprehension. So while the masses favor
sirloin over sweetbreads, I shall be content to settle down upon my duvet
before the fire and devour fois gras lavishly with crackers and a nice sauterne and praise all creatures
great and small.