07-002
They say a
picture is worth 1000 words, we are limited to 500, the reality being
regardless of how magnificent my creativity the result can only equal half that
of a picture at best.
In any case I’ve
chosen my 500 words and have them layed out before me in neat little cutout
pieces. A wino stumbled by and suggested taping them to the dumpster, which was
a stroke of genius.
Obviously the
first words chosen were all 53 from my Big Book of Words which is currently
under production and due to be released within the millennium. It’s similar to
a dictionary except words are listed numerically by definition, then misspelled
in every conceivable way allowing for easy recognition, then finally the word
itself. Movie rights are negotiable.
Before I begin I
have a few questions…
Are words
allowed to be used more than once? If so, do they still count as one word? For
instance I say “Huh? a lot.
How many letters
are we allowed? I’ve found that some words are bigger than others and educated
people would have an unfair advantage without prerequisites.
What are the
categories? My best are “Rambling” and “Going Off On Tangents”, which you have
seriously stymied with the word limitations.
How will the
prize be awarded? A few years ago my next door neighbor had a big truck pull up
in front of her place, with horns blowing and confetti flying, announcing she
won a brand new home from that magazine clearing house…only they said she had
to move out of the trailer park.
Will there be an
award for Honorable Mention? I’ve never been mentioned honorably in my life and
that would be special to my dear departed Aunt Minnie who always said, “It is
much better to be mentioned honorably…than to burn in Hell!” (Whoops! I forgot
to ask, are we allowed to speak French?)
Are the judges
well versed? They need to know how to read my work. I write a different kind of
humor. My humor is not funny. It’s kind of like poetry that doesn’t rhyme. If
they’re looking for merriment tell them to never mind and just consider the
content.
Speaking of
judges, do any of yours take bribes? I know that Harry Andersen fellow does.
Don’t you find it a bit odd that the guy who played him in real life also used
to play a judge…and now HE is playing a judge?
In regards to
the Awards Banquet…I’m afraid I get rather nervous in crowds. I tried picturing
them in their underwear then I thought, what if they’re picturing me in my
underwear, and I got really nervous. So if I win could you send my award
posthumously?
If I do not win
will you please mail back my ten dollars?
Ok…I’m ready to
start…
Sorry…I racked
my brain for a solid eight minutes and came up with nothing.
You probably
don’t want me making a farce out of this humor contest anyway.