07-013
The Writer’s Guide to Making Toast
1. Buy a loaf of bread. The type and brand are entirely up to you.
2. Place two slices of bread into toaster.
3. Press lever to lower bread into toaster.
4. Wonder who else is making toast.
5. Decide it doesn’t matter who else is making toast--the important thing is that you are making toast.
6. Stare at toaster and wonder, “But what if their toast is better than my toast?”
7. Reassure yourself that there is no such thing as “good” toast and “bad” toast--there is just toast, and although your toast may be different from someone else’s toast, neither is superior to the other.
8. Man, I hope my toast is good toast.
9. Look at toaster with despair and decide that you’re not sure what toast even is, and why bother trying to make toast anyway?
10. Unplug toaster and throw it in trash.
11. Have a drink.
12. Call up friend and tell him you threw the toast and toaster away, because what’s the point?
13. When friend says he hates to hear that, and that his toast is coming along nicely, make up an excuse to hang up and go retrieve your toaster from the garbage can, dust it off, and plug it in again.
14. Think about what you will do with your toast once it pops up. Decide that you will pile all the condiments on: butter, jelly, jam, molasses, apple butter, and honey. The best toast is fancy, tasty toast!
15. Get depressed as it occurs to you that some of the best toast you’ve ever eaten is plain old dry toast.
16. Have a drink.
17. Shake your head to clear it, feel like you’ve made a breakthrough. Of course your toast will be good! Better than that, it will be great! After all, how hard can it be to make good toast? Hell, you’ve eaten some toast that was downright stale, but people loved it anyway, and you thought, “I can make better toast than that!” So do it! Here we go!
18. Watch “TV Land” while Googling random actress’ names.
19. Have a drink.
20. When toast pops up, squint at it and move it around on your plate until it looks something like toast, then eat and enjoy.