07-037
Parallel Universe Parking
I recently read on the Internet that scientists have proven
there are parallel universes out there. (I also recently read on the Internet
that Elvis and Marilyn Monroe are running a Motel Six in Wilkes-Barre
Pennsylvania, but that’s another story.) What this means is that within these
multiple universes there are multiple galaxies just like ours, multiple earths
just like ours, and multiple me’s just like, well -- me. So, in the spirit of
intergalactic goodwill, and of giving my doppelganger’s a leg up, (we’re all on
the same team after all) I’m offering a few pointers on how to live my life
from one who has already lived it. I’m that kind of a guy.
* That time you borrowed your friend Scott’s dad’s Camaro
and drove it back from the University of Wisconsin: Two things, A) slow down!
There are speed traps hidden on those gently rolling hills of southeastern
Wisconsin. B) If you are dumb enough to ignore A and still manage to get
yourself a ticket for going 74 in a 40 zone, pretending you’re from Croatia
will only further inflame the authorities.
* Despite what you might think, the statute of limitations
on a backseat full of parking tickets from the Evanston Police Department is –
never. If you have 321 unpaid tickets, you can be shot on sight in the State of
Illinois. Consider yourself warned.
* Remember after homecoming when you got Sarah Vickers in
the backseat of your dad’s Buick Le Sabre and you thought you were so hidden,
so discrete, and so out of the way? You weren’t.
* On the SAT test – it’s Goat is to Cucumber as Carburetor
is to Short Wave Radio.
* When GM hits $65 dollars a share – sell and open a clam
shack in Key West.
* There are only three truths in the universe: One – the farther you park from your
destination, the closer the parking spot you’ll find as you’re walking to it,
two – the Cubs will never win the World Series, and I forget what the third one
is.
* Your wallet fell behind the cushions on the green couch.
That’s it. Please write me in return if you have any points
I might have missed.