07-038

BOTTOMS UP

It has come to my attention that the United States is not the only country to waste time, money and college students in frivolous studies designed to prove that things we have found to be true really are.

And the most wasted college students are likely the 120 or so at Scotland's Glasgow University who were recruited by a male psychology professor to determine if the phenomenon known as the Beer-Goggle Effect, where people supposedly become more appealing as those around them are having drinks, actually does exist.

The professor found that after two pints of beer or four glasses of wine these scholars - who for study purposes one assumes were somewhat below the generally accepted attractiveness curve to start with - increased their perception of how good looking the opposite sex was by about 25 percent.

According to him the alcohol affects that part of the brain charged with judging "facial attractiveness," and, he concluded, "There is a strong link between facial attractiveness and signals about the quality of a potential mate."

I see.

One supposes that explains the mysterious way in which a bar, lounge or tavern seems to draw a better looking bunch of people as the evening wears on.

It also probably follows that if you want to be more attractive you need only keep the glasses of those around you filled.

Come on, professor, I think this knowledge has been around ever since the first cave man fell face down in a puddle of fermented Mammoth milk (the Mammoth Milk Effect) while fending off the advances of an unappealing, ardent, female admirer with what she later claimed to be increasingly less enthusiasm.

It was present in WWII as the Loneliness Effect among some soldiers in South Pacific locales where the consummation of temptations toward native women was thwarted only by the Saltpeter Effect of military coffee.

And it is something that females have known about forever, as witness the scene in countless motion pictures where the woman - after letting a gentleman caller into her apartment, and before disappearing back into parts unknown - calls to him over her shoulder to "Make yourself a drink. I'll be out in a minute."

So I wonder how controlled the study was, if they are fussier about what they drink than the college students are over here and, in particular, whether the drinks were served at room temperature or chilled. Would it make a difference?

I don't know about their wines, but I have been to Glasgow and I know they like their beer warmer than we are used to, and their whisky undiluted. Would that affect the Effect?

I have also been single, of course, and I sincerely doubt I was ever enticed by any "Goggle Effect" distorted facial image presented through the bottom of my glass. Now, the Magnification Effect it may have had on cleavage, however, just might be something else again.

---