07-051
Step by Step Instructions
for Surviving a Computer Melt Down
First, recognize the approaching signs of
computer meltdown, before full-blown disaster strikes. This can be difficult,
because operator error can easily be confused with machine dysfunction. At the
slightest inkling of a problem, make sure the computer is plugged in to the
power strip. Back up all your essential files, especially the video of your
boss tap dancing in a kilt at the office Christmas party.
Ask every techie friend you have for
advice. Open the box and replace your hard drive cables. Fiddle with everything
else inside, to make the problem worse. Put off doing anything more for fear
the machine will have to be sent away to the factory, which will turn out to be
in Sri Lanka, not Ohio, as you had been led to believe.
Check the Manufacturer’s Warranty. Revive
the fading ink on the document by recopying three times using the high contrast
setting. Contact tech support. Try four calls a day to tech support voice mail.
Be creative with the subject lines on all of the one hundred emails you’ll have
to send to get one reply. Give up and call the toll free sales number, but when
you get shuffled to a voice mailbox, try not to despair. Leave this message: “
I would really like to have one of your Acme computers. I want the four
thousand dollar model”.
Once you have a return authorization
number, box the computer, then double box. One roll of packing tape should
suffice. Haul the lunker to the nearest UPS. Plunk down fifty-four bucks.
Try not to panic while the computer is
away. Ooze relaxation. Try Buddhism or Kabbalah to find the inner calm to face
your empty universe. Realize that without Googling Buddhism or Kabbalah, you
don’t have a prayer of knowing how to find inner calm.
Learn how to sharpen a pencil to update
your monthly finances.
Dread getting the computer back, knowing
that the hard drives and all the software, hardware drivers and ISP passwords
will have to be reconfigured and reinstalled. Frantically look for your ISP
passwords.
Sign for the computer when it arrives. Be
nice to the guy in Brown. It’s not his fault that your computer melted down.
Unpack the boxes. Lovingly connect all the cables, gently running a hand across
the computer case from time to time. Make sure the computer is plugged in to
the power strip. Have a tender moment, or a tender day or two reinstalling
Windows.
Enter your ISP passwords. Download virus
protection. Download the updated version of Virtual Billiards. Play Virtual
Billiards. Surf the web; read all the Fox horror news stories. Post effusive
emails to all your friends. Thankfully your mail was web mail. Too bad none of
your friends missed you. Write a flirty reply to a post on your “Fun with
Bonsai” egroup. Accidentally cc it to your mother in law. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Everything is back to normal.