07-061

“Me, Worry? Barkeep, Another Mayonnaise Milkshake!”

The four out of five dentists, commonly held on retainer by the American Dental Association and chewing gum corporations, have unexpectedly renounced their current profession and henceforth, shall be recognized as fully accredited medical doctors. They feel this will be a seamless transition, as they already have waiting rooms, wear white coats and have spent numerous years in medical school crafting illegible penmanship. This “metamorphosis” was necessary, so they could procure ideal parking spots and bring to light America’s most concealed cause of death; the bus.

According to the American Medical Association, the top three causes of death are coronary disease, cancer and Pauly Shore movies. Suspiciously, getting run over by a bus, fails to make the list at all. For years, I’ve heard my father, like father’s everywhere, utter the following proclamation, “Why should I stop smoking cigarettes or drinking this mayonnaise milkshake? Why, I could walk out my front door tomorrow and get hit by a bus!” Consequently, proper health maintenance has been neglected for fear of retributive actions by public transportation. Sure, the so-called “glamour” diseases garner all the headlines and get the best tables at restaurants, while our ever-sickening society suffers the indiscriminate butchering at the wheels of these diesel burning deliverers of death. Thankfully the fifth dentist, who opted to try his hand at being a rodeo clown, has comprised some precautions we can employ to lower our risk for acute bus attacks and ugly ones too.

Never wear clean underwear. Since the dawn of time, mothers have warned us to wear clean underwear in case we get hit by a bus, or a wooly mammoth, and have to go to the hospital. Like garlic to a vampire, fetid drawers keep would be homicidal buses at bay. Rumor has it, the mammoth found the stench repulsive as well, although strangely, Pauly Shore sightings increased ten-fold. Another sound piece of advice; never walk out your front door without a cigarette in hand while chomping on a fatty, pork sandwich. This confuses the dim-witted bus into thinking you are a health scofflaw and should be left alone to die in the manner of your choosing.

Death by means of travel is not confined to our shores. Vindictive Columbian burros have been known to pull a knife from time to time, while in Italy, bloodthirsty gondola oarsmen have been “whacking” unsuspecting tourists for years. Applaud the Chinese for their proactive approach in quelling the “Great Rickshaw Rebellion of 1992.” After the fall of communist Russia, Chinese streets were inundated with performing Russian bears seeking artistic asylum and the freedom to perform “hand-jive” rather than simple spinning and balancing acts. Faced with these two problems, they chose to ban murderous rickshaws and deal with the bears in 2009. Unfortunately, 2008 is the Year of the Sloth and will take 14 of our standard years to complete.

A word of advice, avoid facing an “accessory to murder” rap, if you ride the bus. Take a taxi…they’re much safer.

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