07-065
POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION
INSTRUCTION MANUAL
Thank
you for your interest in POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION. Whether Red or
Blue, this manual will help you blend in with your ideological peers and avoid lapses
of social protocol, which in some States is punishable by exile, punitive
fines, or sidelong glances from coffee shop baristas in alternative clothing.
_______________________________________________________________________
REPUBLICANS
PARTS
IDENTIFICATION
Before
assembly, please identify the following parts:
(5) Polo sweaters (addition of backyard
croquet set bonus)
(1) Membership to Protestant or Evangelical
church
(2) Glazed-over, zealous eyes
ASSEMBLY
AND OPERATION
1. Remove all possibly antagonistic art
from house/office. For example, replace paintings with “Successories” prints of
a man hang-gliding over a glacier, with caption, “Daring: Courage To Do the
Courageous, Even When It’s Really Cold Outside.”
2. Have children and assign them strong
male names, irrespective of actual gender. No prom king in a pick-up would try
anything forward with a date named Gus.
3. Read financial pages of newspaper. If
confronted by okra-chewing liberals, breezily assert that the NASDAQ is
responding well to “marginal cost trade regulations.” This will stun the little
pinko.
4. Reference the following in conversation
when appropriate: Adam Smith, party of Lincoln, supply-side economics, arcane
fly-fishing lures (Ticklin’ Whiskers, Bally Hoo’s, Kettle Cocks, etc.), Ma,
Hallelujah and Amen.
5. Hold backyard barbecues for coworkers.
In preparation, buy industrial-sized quantities of beef ribs, Michelob and
assorted Frito Lays chip products. Dress in khaki shorts and golf shirt. Tune
television to college football or basketball game.
_______________________________________________________________________
DEMOCRATS
PARTS
IDENTIFICATION
Before
assembly, please identify the following parts:
(1) Non-business baccalaureate degree from small
liberal arts college (bonus if professors wear corduroy and elbow patches)
(65+)
Pieces of opinionated flair, including buttons, t-shirts, and bumper stickers
(3) Photos of children/trees/arboreal
monkeys your contributions have helped save
ASSEMBLY
AND OPERATION
1. Remove all non-progressive adornments
from house/office. Replace with ethnic fertility idols, rice mats, and
patchouli.
2. If you do have children (as you
probably will until we have free public healthcare that covers birth control),
name after jazz musicians or firebrand labor leaders.
3. Read arts pages of newspaper. If teased
by briefcase-swinging conservatives, reference an article in The New Yorker
about the dairy black market in Angola. This will confuse the knuckle-dragging
carnivore.
4. Reference the following in conversation
when appropriate: Tibet, vague permutations of tolerance, Birkenstock, the Che,
organic farming, performance art, open relationships, Bono, blue-collar plight,
Siddhartha, Northern Spotted Owl.
5. Hold multicultural pot luck dinners for
friends from grad school or book salon. In preparation, buy paella dishes and
Tofurkey poppers from Trader Joe‘s. Wear murky, non-sweatshop produced attire.
Play world music or well-preserved vinyl copy of The Song of Humpback Whales.
_______________________________________________________________________
Once
again, thank you for your interest in POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION, and
we will see you in November.