07-065

 

POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION

INSTRUCTION MANUAL

 

Thank you for your interest in POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION. Whether Red or Blue, this manual will help you blend in with your ideological peers and avoid lapses of social protocol, which in some States is punishable by exile, punitive fines, or sidelong glances from coffee shop baristas in alternative clothing.

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REPUBLICANS

PARTS IDENTIFICATION

 

Before assembly, please identify the following parts:

 

(5)        Polo sweaters (addition of backyard croquet set bonus)

 

(1)        Membership to Protestant or Evangelical church

 

(2)        Glazed-over, zealous eyes

 

 

ASSEMBLY AND OPERATION

 

1.         Remove all possibly antagonistic art from house/office. For example, replace paintings with “Successories” prints of a man hang-gliding over a glacier, with caption, “Daring: Courage To Do the Courageous, Even When It’s Really Cold Outside.”

 

2.         Have children and assign them strong male names, irrespective of actual gender. No prom king in a pick-up would try anything forward with a date named Gus.

 

3.         Read financial pages of newspaper. If confronted by okra-chewing liberals, breezily assert that the NASDAQ is responding well to “marginal cost trade regulations.” This will stun the little pinko.

 

4.         Reference the following in conversation when appropriate: Adam Smith, party of Lincoln, supply-side economics, arcane fly-fishing lures (Ticklin’ Whiskers, Bally Hoo’s, Kettle Cocks, etc.), Ma, Hallelujah and Amen.

 

5.         Hold backyard barbecues for coworkers. In preparation, buy industrial-sized quantities of beef ribs, Michelob and assorted Frito Lays chip products. Dress in khaki shorts and golf shirt. Tune television to college football or basketball game.

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DEMOCRATS

PARTS IDENTIFICATION

 

Before assembly, please identify the following parts:

 

(1)        Non-business baccalaureate degree from small liberal arts college (bonus if professors wear corduroy and elbow patches)

 

(65+) Pieces of opinionated flair, including buttons, t-shirts, and bumper stickers

 

(3)        Photos of children/trees/arboreal monkeys your contributions have helped save

 

 

ASSEMBLY AND OPERATION

 

1.         Remove all non-progressive adornments from house/office. Replace with ethnic fertility idols, rice mats, and patchouli.

 

2.         If you do have children (as you probably will until we have free public healthcare that covers birth control), name after jazz musicians or firebrand labor leaders.

 

3.         Read arts pages of newspaper. If teased by briefcase-swinging conservatives, reference an article in The New Yorker about the dairy black market in Angola. This will confuse the knuckle-dragging carnivore.

 

4.         Reference the following in conversation when appropriate: Tibet, vague permutations of tolerance, Birkenstock, the Che, organic farming, performance art, open relationships, Bono, blue-collar plight, Siddhartha, Northern Spotted Owl. 

 

5.         Hold multicultural pot luck dinners for friends from grad school or book salon. In preparation, buy paella dishes and Tofurkey poppers from Trader Joe‘s. Wear murky, non-sweatshop produced attire. Play world music or well-preserved vinyl copy of The Song of Humpback Whales.

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Once again, thank you for your interest in POLITICAL PARTY AFFILIATION, and we will see you in November.