07-069
THANKS FOR NOTHING
Like most Americans, you were
no doubt outraged at the news that the IRS was planning to go after Hollywood
celebrities who fail to pay taxes on the gift baskets they receive as
presenters at the big awards shows. What’s next for these IRS bloodsuckers, you
likely wondered, chasing down amputee Iraqi children flown to the US for
medical care to make them pay taxes on their donated prosthetics?
Admittedly, these celebrity
thank-you gifts are not the everyday gift baskets most of us are used to – the
kind filled with biscotti, preserves, chocolates and other indulgences that you
might send to a neighbor as a way of saying, “Sorry for getting drunk and
digging up your septic tank with my backhoe.” No, the IRS targeted these awards
show “swag bags” because they’re often crammed with thousands of dollars’ worth
of diamond necklaces, iPods, designer purses, free spa treatments and, for the
very top tier celebrities, ready-to-adopt African babies.
Rather than fight the IRS,
the Golden Globes and Academy Awards have opted to eliminate gift baskets
entirely. Under normal circumstances I would oppose such heavy-handed
government intrusion on principle (the principle being my delusion that I might
someday receive one such goody basket), but in this case there’s an upside.
My hope is that, like so many
fads that started in Hollywood (see: Kabbalah, The “Rachel” hairstyle, naming
children after fruits, etc.), this move by the awards shows will spark a nationwide
trend away from this cultural obsession with gift-giving.
I can’t be the only one who’s
noticed that nearly all social functions nowadays involve armfuls of presents
changing hands. Before leaving the house, you have to ask yourself, “Wait, do I
need to bring a housewarming gift? What about a hostess gift? A graduation
gift? Is it Valentine’s Day? Mother’s Day? Father’s Day? Secretaries’ Day? Give
Everybody You’ve Ever Met a Gift Day?”
Lately it’s even become
commonplace for people to send gifts as a thank-you for gifts they themselves
have received. This, in turn, has led to the dreaded endless thank-you note
cycle (“Thanks so much for the note you wrote to thank me for the note I sent
to thank you for thanking me for your thoughtful note of thanks…”).
My main problem with this
rampant exchange of gifts is that what’s often lost is the personal touch. But
isn’t that what makes gift-giving so special? Say, for example, that you have a
friend with a birthday coming up. After mulling over what might make the
perfect present, you suddenly recall that he’s an avid Beanie Baby collector.
Knowing this, you can quickly settle on the proper course of action, which, of
course, is to end the friendship. I mean, come on, a grown man collecting
Beanie Babies?
This is certainly a good
start, but much more work remains. With luck, this column may help turn the
tide against the gift-giving epidemic plaguing the nation. If so, feel free to
thank me. But please, no gifts.