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Interview Etiquette

When the employment market turns stagnant, like it is now, a savvy job-hunter will do two things, just to be safe:

1. Look up “stagnant” in the dictionary.

2. Brush up on his interviewing skills.

But before you can astound would-be employers with your charm, wit, and keen understanding of the loopholes in the company’s policy regarding ex-felons, you have to actually get an interview.

To accomplish this, you need to perfect your resume’, which is a French word meaning “crapload of outrageous lies.”

For example, let’s look at the most recent job on your resume’ as it’s written now:

· Gas Station Attendant, Bob’s Pump n’ Go, Spittoon, Alabama

· Pumped gas into all them pretty cars that came by

· Scraped dead bugs and such offa the windshields

· Cried a lot

Now let’s look at the exact same job, but rewritten to appear more interesting:

Batman, Freelance, Gotham City, Whatever State Gotham City Is In (Probably Not Delaware)

· Fought crime and injustice

· Cavorted with nubile, leather-clad women on rooftops and in nightclubs

· Did various things to conceal true identity, such as wearing a nametag on my batsuit that says, “Hello, I’m NOT Bruce Wayne.”

See how much better the second version sounds?

Okay, so you’ve got your foot in the door. The trick now is to get the rest of your body inside before the manager pushes you out or shoots you in the face with pepper-spray.

Once you’ve gained access to his office and handcuffed yourself to a chair, he’ll have no choice but to interview you.

Most interviews typically start with the manager asking you to tell him a little about yourself. I say “most” because this is not always the case; pertinent information should always be discussed as soon as possible. For instance, if you find yourself in an interview without wearing pants, that’s the kind of thing that you’re going to want to address right from the get-go.

Just for the sake of argument, however, let’s say he does ask you to say a few things about yourself. In addition to all your positive attributes, it’s a good idea to mention a few of your flaws, just to show him that you’re open to criticism.

When mentioning personal negatives, it’s recommended that you list only those that are commonplace and easily correctible, rather than those that may give the wrong impression. For example:

Good Flaw to Mention: “I sometimes wish I could learn to manage my time more effectively.”

Bad Flaw To Mention: “I’ve been stabbed in the spleen by a drug dealer to whom I owe money and really wish I could make the bleeding stop.”

If you simply handle each situation with common sense and intelligence, there’s no reason you can’t dupe highly educated men and women into hiring you for a position that you are in no way qualified for. This, by all accounts, is exactly what happens every year in this country when election time rolls around.

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