08-018
Driving Tips for
Amateurs
It
has come to my attention that the vast majority of today's drivers are
amateurs. I use “amateur” not in the traditional sense of “one who has not
achieved professional status" but in the far superior sense of
"barbarians who do not drive like I drive."
Allow
me, therefore, to present my excellent driving tips, which will provide hours
of reading pleasure, if you read them over and over several hundred times.
The
green light means "go."
But
if you are hindered by a single car in front of you, try the tactic known as
"bumper reminder," a technique long practiced on European roads. The
driver behind gently moves forward until making contact with the offending
vehicle's stationary bumper. The stopped car is thus inched along until that
driver becomes aware or "reminded." Generally there follows a
friendly exchange of jovial horns and off you go. I'm sure it will catch on
here in the U.S. and eventually replace the use of firearms.
Drive
according to weather conditions, you idiot.
I
mean that in the nicest possible way. It's just that I have a teensy problem
sliding off the road into the ditch in my failed efforts to avoid Mr. 4 x 4,
who loves to fishtail on icy streets. My, yes, that looks like fun, but
couldn't we try it in an empty parking lot? Normally I would just drive one of
my six or seven other cars, but they all appear to be in the shop at the
moment. Wait a minute—I'm getting something. Oh, that's right, I own only one
car and it's in the shop because I drove it into the ditch because you're an
idiot (nicest possible meaning).
Please
don't make me honk at you.
Perhaps
you've turned in front of me when I have the right of way. You know better than
that. Or refused to let me in when you were my last hope of getting in until
next week. Very bad.
Here
is a little-known fact: all of this honk-provoking behavior is going into your
permanent record. You may be denied credit, and either have your pets shaved by
unskilled labor or all of your good works erased from the Book of Life. I
always get those two mixed up.
Drive
during the most efficient hours of the day: 12 a.m. - 6 a.m.
All
of the previous tips can be tossed out the window like so many parking tickets
if you diligently practice this last suggestion. You can tailgate, forget what
the color green signifies, fishtail your booty off, and be an all-around honk
magnet. You'll enjoy freedom from my exacting standards and thus enjoy a
Hell-free afterlife. I'm trying to think of a more generous arrangement, but
after knocking it around a few seconds, clearly there are no other options even
remotely worth considering.
How
gratifying that we were able to arrive at this mutually beneficial destination.
Happy Motoring!