08-030
Most
Americans don’t give much thought to the afterlife until, lo and behold,
they’ve arrived there. This is in stark
contrast to the ancient Egyptians, who thought about little else.
They
even had a book all about it; the Book of the Dead, which, having been written
by the late great. . .well, dead, must have been on loan from the
Library of Ancestors in order to help mortals plan a proactive itinerary for
that one last one-way trip.
If you
haven’t read the Book of the Dead, you’d be well-advised to bone up on your
posthumous etiquette. Rest assured, one
day your own personal reality show will be pre-empted by the Autonomic
Evacuation System of the soul. You’ll
need to know how much to tip your patron saint. Where to find Wiggy Beethoven so you can play him your jazz
rendition of Fur Elise. What to say
when God sneezes.
Here,
then, is a summation of the most salient and counterintuitive points of the
8,294th edition Book o‘ the Dearly Departed (having endured
countless title changes in vain attempts to bolster papyrus sales), translated
by yours truly, who speaks not a lick of Hieroglyphic but has a knack for
making up stories out of pictures like you wouldn‘t believe:
In lieu
of family, you can opt for your favorite pets to pick you up at the light.
Bring a
billion years’ worth of chewing gum. Or
a spare pair of eardrums.
If
you’ve ever wondered what really goes on inside a black hole, don’t ask until
you’ve earned your anti-dark matter parka.
Even then, gum.
You can
watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” on the insides of your eyelids 427 hours a day
and laugh about how they misquoted the real maxim: “Every time a vacuum cleaner
belt breaks an angel gets her anti-dark matter parka.”
Being
good at sports is ultimately far more important than having lived a moral life.
By
“sports” it is meant only chess (Ingmar Bergman came up with the same
translation).
If you
lend the Great One money, he‘ll be “just one galaxy over“ for eons. Charge interest, get the terms in writing,
and don‘t fall victim to the old laying-down-8 month repayment plan. Accept no checks.
Dr.
Seuss runs the zoo! He has a pet
moose-goose-Zeus. They live in a
caboose and drink only moo-juice!
Heavenly
Idol auditions are open to all entities under thirty million years old.
Finally,
don’t forget the Book of the Dead; you can’t afford those overdue fees.
Not
planning to leave anytime soon? No one
ever is, yet the Universal Transglobular Index (UTI) reports the afterlife
economy is simply booming with the perpetual influx of new residents. Relatively speaking, a two-cloud skyscraper
placed on the market today will sell three weeks ago for four times what was
paid tomorrow. And that’s just a
one-story fixer-upper!
Ready
to open your Mystical Indulgence Account (MIA)? For the best exchange rates, wire funds directly to the author.