08-037
Auld L’Anxiety
As we awake this January 1st morning, preparing for the opportunities
that lie ahead, we pause to ask ourselves an important question: “Why am I on
the front yard naked, laying next to a llama?”
The answer, of course, is that fifth glass of Cold Duck, which also
helps explain the headache, the upset stomach and the pink cowboy boots on our
feet.
Yet still we rise early this New Year’s morn. Why? Is it the promise of
a fresh start? Is it the optimism inherently residing in the depths of the
human soul? No, it’s because the wife has the Rose Bowl Parade cranked up
really loud.
But that’s okay. We’ll crawl to the couch, swallow our aspirin and ask
her to please turn down the volume, and she will whisper, “But it’s on mute,”
and we will ask her not to yell. We will bravely lie there, throbbing head and
all, and reflect upon the party last night at Frank’s house. Then we will panic
and immediately call Frank to see if we did anything stupid, and he will tell
us that we “have some nerve” calling him, considering how we gave his dog all
that champagne, and how we used Cheese Whiz to write “2008!” on his front
window.
This is followed a few minutes later, when we receive a call from our
next door neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, who will inform us that the ladies from her
morning bridge club did NOT appreciate seeing a naked man passed out on the
front yard. And she will go on to angrily point out that the HOA bylaws
specifically prohibit the boarding of llamas.
Yes, we may have some regrets from the past year, but we will put those
behind us and boldly move forward. Not now though. We’re not moving anywhere.
We may get sick. Instead, we will plant ourselves right here on the couch and
occupy our minds with visions of a peaceful beach and bunnies and flowers. And
then we will see a beer commercial on TV and we will sprint towards the
bathroom.
We will recover though, and completely ignore the wife’s taunting. Soon
however, we will tire of the Rose Parade. We will realize that there’s only so
many times you can hear Al Roker talk about the Jolly Green Giant float, and
how 50,000 roses were required just to make him anatomically correct.
So we will ask the wife if we could please maybe change the channel to
the 78th Annual Preparation H Tangelope Bowl instead. And she’ll smile and say:
“Can I get you some champagne?” And we will shut up because we’re getting
nauseous again.
But that’s OK. We will eventually shade that green facial color and
begin to re-evaluate our priorities. Yes, we will focus on the positive in
2008. Our thoughts will be on prosperity, on peace. We will focus on love.
Which reminds us, we really need to get rid of that llama.