08-038
Having recently watched several television shows on
gardening, I am now ready to renew the earth, plant seeds, and produce a bumper
crop of blisters. I feel compelled to share my expertise, real or imagined, and
educate the novice gardener on how to get second-degree sunburn.
There is nothing like the smell of fresh earth to quicken
the blood of a gardener. However, first you must choose an appropriate location
in the back yard, preferably in a place not yet discovered by rabbits. (If I
seem short on advice here, it is because I’ve learned from past experience to
hire a professional with a soil tiller and thereby avoid dislocated vertebra.)
If you are a beginner, (That’s alright as we were all
beginners at sometime.) I suggest purchasing a book on gardening. These are available at book stores, garage
sales, lemonade stands, or almost anywhere except garden centers, which remain
perpetually sold out.
Follow the book carefully.
If it says plant seeds six inches apart, use a ruler. If it says to use
fertilizer, search until you find the correct mix. If it says to plant on the
fifth Friday of the month during the light of the moon, don’t even consider
defiance.
After planting comes the hardest part – the wait.
If nature favors you with rain, (instead of good teeth and
amiable personality) eventually tiny sprouts will emerge. The more you water, the larger the plants
become. Why not? You did everything by the book.
Be prepared to give up weekends as they will be consumed by
the garden. As the vegetables grow, so
do the weeds. Forget about your bruised knees and aching back. Concentrate on
eluding angry wasps and planning clever strategies for potential garden snake
encounters.
Insects love a garden. Each plant attracts a pest of its
very own -- cutworms on the tomatoes, beetles on the potatoes, moths on the
cabbage, and aphids frolicking shamelessly in the melon patch.
Tomatoes always ripen first. You must eat, cook and learn to juggle with tomatoes. You can give tomatoes to neighbors by the
bucketful, until they pull their blinds and lock the door. If you are lucky,
crows will eat the corn, leaving you time to fight bumblebees in the pole
beans, and wipe sweat from your brow.
Beware of zucchini.
One day you have blossoms, the next day zucchini the size of
watermelons. You may have to roll them
to the kitchen. You cannot sleep at
night as zucchini vines will grow and cover your house.
You will find that by the time you buy plants, seed,
fertilizer, insecticides, tools to garden with, and books to tell you how,
gardening doesn’t save money. Also, it isn’t nearly as much fun as you
anticipated, and, unexplainably, you will lose your taste for fresh vegetables.
Regardless, you have learned the most important lesson there
is to know about gardening -- leave agriculture to the farmers and buy your
vegetables at the supermarket like I do.