08-053
In
simpler times I could, at a glance, identify any passing vehicle. But that was
when vehicle names were easy to remember. Today’s automotive naming trend is to
force letters and numbers together in a fashion once considered by many as
unnatural, and well, I’m confused (more so than usual).
A long,
long time ago (when the world was black and white and everything was
accompanied by a vaudeville piano), Henry Ford realized he could avoid the ridicule
he generated by naming his child Edsel (a boy) by simply naming his first
production car the Model T (and, no doubt, dreamt of a world teeming with cars
named after other famous letters of the alphabet).
But one
spring afternoon, while Mr. Ford was in the paint shop deliberating shades of black,
a gentleman by the name of Carroll Shelby thought it would be a hoot to replace
the Model T’s nameplate with his daughter’s toy mustang. When a young marketing
executive, by the name of Lee Iacocca, went down to the assembly line to see
what all the fuss was about, he quickly realized that Shelby’s shenanigans might
be just what the automotive industry needed to boost sales. (NOTE TO
EDITOR: In my haste to meet the submission deadline,
some facts may be misrepresented.)
News of
the discovery spread and marketing departments everywhere began rolling out car
names like there was no tomorrow. And though they occasionally misfired with
names like Yeoman, Chieftain, and Gastropod, they were soon hitting on all
cylinders with names like Cougar, Charger, and Barracuda. These cars didn’t
need brochures, or even salesmen for that matter; they sold themselves by
fueling the consumer’s imagination. In fact, inspirational names were so abundant;
they even bestowed them on economy cars too (“economy” was fancy marketing talk
for “disposable”). Consequently, today’s consumers no longer associate Maverick
or Colt with unbridled potential, but rather unbridled calamity.
Inevitably,
the auto industry exhausted their supply of inspirational car names. So, in an
act of desperation (or, as the marketing department would say, brilliance) they
decided to revive Henry Ford’s old alphabet naming scheme and, I suspect, mix
in a few numbers to justify their day’s pay. Hence, the consumers are subjected
to alphanumeric vehicle names like Q7, XJ5, RAV4, and AVEO5 – names that only
stir the imagination of an accountant.
Well,
here’s a thought (or a headache, it’s hard to tell), rather than pulling names
out of a hat, the auto industry ought to use this opportunity to alert their consumers
(the real victims here) about what they’re actually buying. So when you sign a
contract for the “Faulty Transmission Sport Coupe”, you’ll know beforehand that
both you and your wallet are in for a wild ride. Or, if you’ve got your eye on
“The Unquenchable Fuel Guzzler”, there’s no excuse for declining the optional refueling
tanker.
Perhaps
it’s high time I drive my “Unreachable Oil Filter” to the dealer and pitch my
idea.