08-066
Spring has sprung, the bluebirds are twittering, the grass is growing like weeds, and once again it’s time to pull out the old lawnmower and teach the yard who’s boss. Of course, before we begin, we must pull out our “Yard Work for Dummies” guidebook to make sure we know the proper way to go about it.
The first rule in doing yard work is a simple one -- hire someone else to do it. Why would we want our yards to suffer through our amateurish ways when we can hire a professional who will give it the attention it deserves? I care too much for my lawn to make it go through such an ordeal. Don’t you?
The second rule is to hire a professional at a reasonable cost so we can later enjoy a round of golf without breaking the budget. I for one choose little Johnny from down the street. He has his own lawnmower and trimmer, which means he doesn’t have to use mine (it’s a good thing, too, because mine haven’t worked in years). Besides, he works all day for $5 without complaining, and you can’t get much more professional than that.
The third rule is to keep a watchful eye on our hired help, making sure he doesn’t take more than his allotted share of water breaks. The best place to accomplish this is while reclining in a hammock or lawn chair placed beneath the cool shade of a maple or elm tree (the kind of tree is not as important as the amount of shade it produces). Once positioned in said hammock or lawn chair, we should feel free to partake in any cool beverage that tickles our taste buds.
The fourth rule is to keep an extra bottle of water within easy reach just in case little Johnny collapses under the heat of the blaring sun (there’s no need in having the expensive flavored bottled water on hand – cheap tap water will do nicely). Once the little entrepreneur is revived and talking in complete sentences again, he’ll thank us for our generosity, get back to work and more than likely give us a discount on his bill.
The fifth and final rule is to never complain about the job our hired help has performed. Don’t worry about the crooked edges, overlook the weeds not pulled, be blind to the cut grass not raked. It is best to give our little helper a pat on the back, thank him for all his hard work, and graciously lay his daily wage in the palm of his sweaty hand. The grin on his face will tell us that he’ll be back again next week – and when it comes to getting out of doing our own yard work, that’s all that matters.