10-001
The Strange Case of the
Wayward Beef Roast
As I was taking my morning constitutional, there
it was, on the sidewalk, a fully cooked beef roast, the kind with thick white
string holding it together. I’ve seen plenty
of oddities while walking; food wrappers, tennis shoes, chicken bones, partially
eaten burgers, but never an intact beef roast.
I
scanned the area for clues. No roasting pan or Dutch oven. No carrots, onions, or potatoes. Not even a smidgen
of gravy. It appeared to be in good
condition, but cold to the touch. Perhaps
it had been there since yesterday. I didn’t see a hot pad and it suddenly occurred
to me that the roast must been posed there, after it was already cold. What
sort of fiend would do that?
I
debated whether I should give it a proper Christian burial, but instead I made
a greasy outline with my finger and kicked it into a sewer. All the way home the
beef roast weighed on my mind. How did it get there? Is someone looking for it? Will someone be terribly disappointed
when they open the refrigerator?
I
discussed the matter at length with my wife and together we devised three
alternative explanations:
1. Domestic Dispute: This is mainly my wife’s
idea. The roast appeared due to a marital conflict, involving the flinging of a
beef roast, most likely at an incorrigible husband’s head. This begs the
question of how it got to the sidewalk. Conceivably the dispute occurred in a
vehicle and the meaty projectile missed its intended target and flew out the
window, bouncing onto the sidewalk.
But
how did a roast get into the car, so as to become a weapon of opportunity? Maybe
they were taking it to a relative’s home or covered dish dinner. I admit that I lean towards this explanation,
since once, when he had been drinking, my own father angrily threw our New
Year’s turkey into the yard.
2. Animal Invasion: An alternative is that
some animal, like a large dog, snagged the roast off the kitchen table, like in
that movie, where the neighbor’s hound dogs make off with the Christmas
turkey. The problem remains as to why
the roast was not eaten. I believe the owner gave chase to the dog, who
eventually dropped his prize. But I
would have thought he would have retrieved it, to assure that the dog could not
return and enjoy his ill-gotten gain.
3. The Famished Burglar: Possibly it was taken by a hungry burglar, who
upon peeking into the refrigerator, took it along with the valuables. The misappropriation
of food is not unknown in criminal psychology. I can imagine the roast fell out
of the booty bag as he fled or perhaps it was thrown out of the getaway car by his
practical partner.
I’ve
thought way too much about this, but I wonder what’s the chance of seeing a leg
of lamb tomorrow.