11-034
May 1st, 2011
Report from the Chairman of the Adventurers Club,
A subdivision of
The Albert Schweitzer Expeditionary and Tuesday Night Bingo
Society,
as delivered by the Chairman, Dr. Wilfred Hoppencracker,
M.D., D.D.S., F.A.C.S., P.T.S.D., retired, on the return bus trip from Turning
Stone Resort and Casino.
Recorded by the Recording Secretary
of the Society, Heidi B. Heine, pensioner, with additional italicized
commentary and personal observations of the Secretary:
Page 2
“The fact is, we are all too ready
to drop the matter. Yes! Why, the other
day, I was saying to Harold: ‘Harold, this is not a matter to be taken
lightly.’ I thought he was just too cavalier about the whole thing!
“With that in mind I am open to your
suggestions.
“Be that as it may, and to get back
to the report of the Society’s expedition to the recently discovered island of
Kiwi Kiwi off the coast of Africa:
Well, in spite of a few snags during the trip—the elephant stampede that
flattened Mrs. Anderson, and the swarm of ants that took over the camp—be that
as it may, most of my welts have subsided.
Most of the society’s explorers returned to their homes unscathed—except
for Miss Hedwig Meriwether, who failed to recover completely from the python
bite she received while foresting henbane in the Kiya-Kiya Jungle. Although she is not well enough to be
present with us this evening, I am informed that the facial paralysis and eye
ticks have subsided—somewhat—if not the memory loss. But her husband assures me
she has finally stopped calling him ‘Winifred,’ and is no longer chasing the
family Rottweiler around the yard quite so often these days . . . . And, although the whereabouts of Charlie
Mahoney and Michael Harvey are still unknown, the strong belief is held that
the tribe of the Cooie-Cooie people in the Tonga region of the Walli-Walli
Forest will eventually release the men—at least that’s what is believed. According to the famous anthropologist, Sir
Giles Soames of the British Anthropological Expeditionary Society, who was
interviewed some years back—a newspaper clipping of that London Times interview fell out of a Boy’s Life
Magazine of a few years back—Sir Giles stated back in ought-one that the
Cooie-Cooie people in the Tonga region of the Walli-Walli Forest no longer
prefer white meat since they tasted Lucky Strikes.”
(Charlie
Jones, back of the bus raised his hand.)
“Yes? Back row, third from the
left? What was that you say? The Island
of Kiwi Kiwi wasn’t discovered until ought-nine? Hummm . . . . And Sir
Giles made the observation in ought-one?—about the African Pigmy?” (Dr.
Hoppencracken took out his pocket calculator for a moment of nodding and finger
mathematics.) “Ah, well, yes, well, that certainly puts a new light on the
situation—for the Messrs. Harvey and Mahoney, anyway, doesn’t it?”
Respectfully,
Heidi B. Heine, Recording Secretary and Recipient of the 1947 Women’s Cup Amateur Golf Championship.