May 1st, 2011
Report from the Chairman of the Adventurers Club,
A subdivision of
The Albert Schweitzer Expeditionary and Tuesday Night Bingo Society,
as delivered by the Chairman, Dr. Wilfred Hoppencracker, M.D., D.D.S., F.A.C.S., P.T.S.D., retired, on the return bus trip from Turning Stone Resort and Casino.
Recorded by the Recording Secretary of the Society, Heidi B. Heine, pensioner, with additional italicized commentary and personal observations of the Secretary:
“The fact is, we are all too ready to drop the matter. Yes! Why, the other day, I was saying to Harold: ‘Harold, this is not a matter to be taken lightly.’ I thought he was just too cavalier about the whole thing!
“With that in mind I am open to your suggestions.
“Be that as it may, and to get back to the report of the Society’s expedition to the recently discovered island of Kiwi Kiwi off the coast of Africa: Well, in spite of a few snags during the trip—the elephant stampede that flattened Mrs. Anderson, and the swarm of ants that took over the camp—be that as it may, most of my welts have subsided. Most of the society’s explorers returned to their homes unscathed—except for Miss Hedwig Meriwether, who failed to recover completely from the python bite she received while foresting henbane in the Kiya-Kiya Jungle. Although she is not well enough to be present with us this evening, I am informed that the facial paralysis and eye ticks have subsided—somewhat—if not the memory loss. But her husband assures me she has finally stopped calling him ‘Winifred,’ and is no longer chasing the family Rottweiler around the yard quite so often these days . . . . And, although the whereabouts of Charlie Mahoney and Michael Harvey are still unknown, the strong belief is held that the tribe of the Cooie-Cooie people in the Tonga region of the Walli-Walli Forest will eventually release the men—at least that’s what is believed. According to the famous anthropologist, Sir Giles Soames of the British Anthropological Expeditionary Society, who was interviewed some years back—a newspaper clipping of that London Times interview fell out of a Boy’s Life Magazine of a few years back—Sir Giles stated back in ought-one that the Cooie-Cooie people in the Tonga region of the Walli-Walli Forest no longer prefer white meat since they tasted Lucky Strikes.”
(Charlie Jones, back of the bus raised his hand.)
“Yes? Back row, third from the left? What was that you say? The Island of Kiwi Kiwi wasn’t discovered until ought-nine? Hummm . . . . And Sir Giles made the observation in ought-one?—about the African Pigmy?” (Dr. Hoppencracken took out his pocket calculator for a moment of nodding and finger mathematics.) “Ah, well, yes, well, that certainly puts a new light on the situation—for the Messrs. Harvey and Mahoney, anyway, doesn’t it?”
Heidi B. Heine, Recording Secretary and Recipient of the 1947 Women’s Cup Amateur Golf Championship.