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CANE MUTINY

There’s nothing like dropping into bed, exhausted, only to look up at the ceiling and spot a spider overhead. Maybe you can fall asleep knowing that this creature could decide to drop a line and be your pillow mate, but I can’t. It has to go.

Over the years, I’ve tried different removal techniques:

A fly swatter. The little buggers manage to escape, or they’re suddenly running around in your bed. Not knowing where they are is worse than knowing. No good.

A drinking glass. This technique was shared with me, and has been used successfully, by my sister. Take an ordinary drinking glass and trap the spider in it by holding the glass firmly to the ceiling. Next, take a piece of paper (you need to have this in hand before you use the glass), tip the glass slightly, and then slide the paper under it until it reaches the arachnid, causing it to fall into the glass. Continue sliding the paper to cover the glass so the beast can’t escape, and then bring the covered glass down. This method doesn’t work for me. For one thing, I don’t want to get that up-close and personal. For another, you need a flat ceiling. My 1972 apartment has a cottage cheese ceiling. The nooks and crannies offer my enemies the ability to weasel out, thereby avoiding their fate. Also no good.

I’ve been forced to come up with my own system, which I intend to patent. Oddly enough, I have my three hip replacement surgeries to thank. (I have only two hips, so it was disconcerting to have three hips replaced, but I digress.) During my recovery phase, I used a cane, which I still have. I’ve discovered that I can take a piece of packaging tape, make a backwards loop with it, i.e., put the sticky side out, stick it to the rubber tip on my cane, and then position the cane under my target. In a swift and sudden move, I grind the taped tip into the spider and smash it to the ceiling (or wall). I figure using something sticky is fair game since that’s how Mr. Spider traps his prey. Knowing how agile these dudes are, I give a few twists before finally bringing the cane down. Voila! The spider is stuck to the tape, usually minus a limb or two. (Please don’t tell PETA.) I then remove the tape with a paper towel. Since tape and paper towels are not good for the toilet, after some additional “gotcha” squishing, these are disposed of in the trash.

While my method definitely illustrates the saying, “Necessity is the mother of invention,” there is a much more profound quote that has stuck with me for many years. In the T.V. show, Designing Women, Delta Burke, as Southern belle, Suzanne Sugarbaker, nailed it when she said, “I think the man should have to kill the bug!” That’s the best reason I’ve ever heard for getting married.