12-029
Trouble for Nursery
Rhyme Characters
When nursery rhyme
characters suffer traumatic injuries, they may find it necessary to seek legal
advice should their grievances fail to be addressed promptly. Unfortunately,
adequate resolution in such cases is rare, often leading to protracted
litigation. As evidence, I offer the following letters refuting the claims of
two plaintiffs – the renowned British character actors, Mr. H. Dumpty, of
Colchester, and Miss Patience Muffet, of Shoreditch.
Dear Mr. Dumpty,
We respond to your
recent letter informing our client of injuries you claim to have sustained
while touring the royal property at Windsor Castle. Although we sympathize with
your situation, your account of this incident is highly suspicious.
Your description of the
royal officers who you indicate came to your aid is dubious, at best, since
there have been no “King’s Men” on the royal grounds since George VI passed
away in 1952.
Consequently, if the
accident transpired as you assert, we can only conclude that the lingering
injuries you claim to be suffering actually occurred many decades ago, and that
the statute of limitations on any claim has long since expired.
Please also be advised
that our client’s walls are built according to the House of Normandy Wall
Construction Code of 1066, have been upgraded regularly, and meet all required current
building standards.
In addition, the royal
walls are clearly marked with signs warning of the dangers to visitors (including
avian embryos) who unwisely attempt to navigate these structures.
In conclusion, be
advised that our client will not provide the compensation you are seeking for
your fairytale injuries. However, in the interests of fostering good relations
with her subjects, Her Majesty has indicated she would love to have you for
breakfast one morning, should you again visit the area.
Sincerely,
Official Monarchy Legal
Council
Dear Miss Muffet,
We wish to address your
recent claim that an unexpected encounter with an Araneus diadematus, more
commonly known as a garden spider, left you severely traumatized.
Apparently, you have
blamed our client, the Curds and Whey Breakfast Foods Co., for this incident
claiming that the arachnid in question unexpectedly crawled out of our client’s
cereal box and lunged at you.
We have now determined
this claim to not only be completely without merit, but also defamatory since
you have repeated this accusation numerous times (often in poetic form) to various
media outlets. The resulting decline in consumer confidence of our client’s
product has caused them financial hardship and we ask that you refrain from
future public comment.
As to the additional
claim that you sustained a serious concussion after falling heavily to the
ground due to the combined effect of shock and a defective tuffet, our client
is absolved from any liability.
We do, however, suggest
you contact the Acme Tuffet Corporation regarding the latter issue. We are
available to assist you in this matter, should you require legal counsel.
Sincerely,
Law Offices of Spinner
& Webb