For
the man (and it's usually a man) whose dancing experience has consisted of a
clumsy repertoire of bobbings, gyrations, and lunges; a man whose "dancing
smile" looks just as convincing as it would on the face of a person being
drawn and quartered; and for whom the dance floor is instinctively recognized
as "The Arena of Shame," these handy lessons are offered. They are
easy as pie and–with enough alcohol–can be convincingly executed by anyone.
The Frankenstein Shuffle
While
not a fellow we would consider the life of the party, Frankenstein's monster
had an undeniable presence–a certain emotional detachment which allowed him to
get through any job with an admirable sang
froid. It is this detachment that we seek to emulate here.
1. Stand erect
with hands slightly in front of you, forming fists. Look ahead, “through” your
partner. No expression on the face is required.
2. Gently and almost imperceptibly, rock your body left and right while sliding
your foot forward an inch or so, alternating feet.
If
a half dead man with the intelligence of a three-month-old could conceivably
pull this off, so can you. There is a hidden bonus since you're allowing your
partner to show off her own flashy moves while you remain in the shadows, so to
speak. Adapted for slow dancing, one hand is placed lightly on the partner’s
scapula, the other clasping her hand. The danger of crushing toes is happily
avoided since your shoes never leave the ground.
The Bad Boy Stir
Here
we're a little more demonstrative and yet there are only three steps in this
busy number.
1. We begin as
in the first dance, with clenched fists raised to waist level. Lean forward,
leering mysteriously and plant one foot firmly in front of you.
2. Rotate both fists as if stirring cake batter.
3. While thrusting out the lips into an “oo," squint one eye. Repeat,
squinting the opposite eye while changing feet. An additional flair may be
gained by flapping your elbows but not so much that it resembles the dance
known in nursery schools as "The Baby Duck Strut." This would, of
course, destroy any "badness" you've generated to this point. And
once lost, badness is a difficult
thing to recover.
The Masai Warrior Hop 'n Spin
1. Hop on every
beat of the music. Increase the height of your hops until you've reached an
elevation well above the crowd. (Keep the hands at your sides since this is
helpful in gaining altitude.)
2. Now that
you're warmed up, execute a complete spin while airborne, landing neatly in
your original place–or not, as your alcohol consumption may dictate.
3. Increase your
velocity until you're a continuous, hopping blur. You will never be asked to
dance again. And isn't this our objective?
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