06E084
QUITTING COFFEE: I'D RATHER
BE EATEN BY A RAPTOR
According to a recent study, scientists disagree about
when humans, the smartest, most adaptable creatures on earth, will finally be
killed by breakfast food.
Of course, that assumes the world will not be destroyed
before breakfast. After all, the
destruction of the world, scientists say, is oncoming. Some scientists believe
that because of global warming the human race has only a century until the
polar ice caps melt and dinosaurs return. However, more serious scientists, who
actually use evidence and observation, think itÕs more like three or four
weeks. Pat Robertson, a brilliant volunteer scientist, thinks the entire human
race died five minutes ago because it failed to try his new diet.
All this scientific confusion generally starts when a
group of scientists takes the trouble of performing a complex experiment with
the highest technical sophistication, and a group of journalists takes the
trouble of reporting this experiment after sniffing glue.
For instance, in March a troubling story was published
that coffee may increase your risk
of non-fatal heart attacks if a high incidence of non-fatal
heart attacks runs in your family or your dog.
Now, I am lucky, because
nothing tends to run in my family, not even my dog. We spend more time sitting
down. My dog spends most hours of the day noting where his tail is and most
hours of the night forgetting where he left it. Unless he has coffee in the
morning, he is likely to forget he has a tail, at which point, as youÕd expect,
the cat must explain it to him with story-boards.
The same goes for me. Without at least three cups of
coffee in the morning, I cannot accomplish basic life tasks, such as losing the
remote control, or even more vital, checking the time on my cell phone. Often,
as youÕd expect, the cat has to help me with story-boards.
Which is why when I hear
about this kind of study -- coffee kills! more on page A13 -- I take great intellectual pains with it,
because I know whatÕs at stake in trying to open to page A13 without the paper
unraveling. Once on page A13 I read the article, carefully noting how many
underwear advertisements are on each side of it until I understand the
situation well enough to conclude, with the highest scientific accuracy, that
Victoria Secret is having a sale.
As for the actual article, I pay very little attention to
the details. This weekÕs story showing that eating broccoli can make you
immortal only disproves last weekÕs story showing that broccoli may have been
involved in the Kennedy Assassination.
So just because
science says coffee may kill me does not mean I will stop drinking it.
According to science, after all, the world is ending soon. In a few weeks, the
dinosaurs will rise again and, unless it goes on Pat RobertsonÕs diet, the
human race is in serious trouble.
My plan? Feed the dinosaurs coffee.
I heard it kills.