08-015

How to Wake Up

A recent scientific study claims the art of falling asleep is actually more of a science than an art. Though this finding is distasteful to the artistic community, most artists are too busy napping to protest. Whether you favor the scientists’ view, or that of the artists’, or you’ve decided to throw your vote away on the independent candidate this year, you must agree that no matter how easy or difficult it is to get to sleep, merging onto the early morning freeway of consciousness is almost always assuredly more challenging.

There are contraptions such as alarm clocks and self-timing coffee makers designed to help the typical American (the atypical American is on his own) wake up. These gadgets are in direct opposition to the simplistic, somewhat lackadaisical lifestyle I choose to lead. Instead, through trial and error (mostly error), I have found by merely going along with the below-listed societal expectations, even the most lethargic ne’er-do-well can greet the morning sun without much struggle or ado.

1. Take a lover (if you must, steal one). Nothing says good morning, life like waking up to the sweet face of your heart’s desire. In the early days of romance, you’ll want to jump out of bed and tend to personal hygiene (never tend to impersonal hygiene at such an early hour) before the beloved stirs and discovers what a wreck you are.

2. Get married. Marrying your lover before the duped soul discovers your disastrous morning state ensures that he or she won’t be able to leave without first signing a lot of paperwork. You may fear having this secure bond will decrease your motivation to wake-up but, as love grows deeper (like tree roots near a sewer line), and you resign yourself to waking up to the same human being morning after morning after morning, you will, after a few years, once again be hopping up, dressing, and dashing out the door in no time. During this stage of matrimony, you will scurry off to distract yourself with an errand, a hobby, or even a job. It won’t matter, so long as you can avoid chatting with the other person all together.

3. Have children. The pitter patter of little feet on your internal organs at the crack of dawn is certainly an endearing way to get yourself up and at ‘em. Small children can also make early morning noises to rival that of even the most eager farm rooster. If reproducing seems drastic, you may want to practice first by getting a dog. After a long night, these lovable creatures must be tended to when answering the call of nature, unless of course nature has already called and you must pry the mattress off your back to go and clean up the matter.

All in all, I think waking up is overrated. I’d discuss the issue further but it’s almost noon and I’m overdue for my mid-morning forty winks.

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