10-013

How Government Plans to Achieve Potty Parity

The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee finally recognized its oversight and held hearings last month on the “Potty Parity Act.”

Apparently, too many women were caught doing The Funky Chicken in hallways and standing guard outside men’s restrooms in government facilities during fiscal breaks.

Just like “a chicken in every pot,” during the F. D. Roosevelt Administration, this Bill promises to put the number of pots in men’s and ladies restrooms at least – equal; thereby providing a pot for every Funky Chicken.

Don’t let the door signs “Men” and “Women” fool you. There are usually an equal number of rooms. It’s the number of pots in those rooms that need to be adjusted; although, during fermentation, me and my bladder were getting rather used to arguing over when it is time.

Actually, I keep a full gallon jug of cranberry juice in the trunk of my car, just in case I happen to find myself in a government facility that is short on pots in ladies rooms. It’s OK if you are there for just a few hours, but if you are among the thousands of women who work at a government agency and have to spend 8-hour days there, things can get a little rank if you have to keep holding it in for those bee-line trips to another floor or the basement to find a vacant pot. Most people always thought that Nantucket cranberries were only good for Thanksgiving side dishes, cereals, muffins, and snacks, right? Apparently, so did Congress.

Thankfully, Representatives. Towns, Issa, Visclosky, and Clarke (I have my money on Ms. Clarke) sponsored the Restroom Gender Parity in Federal Buildings Act (H.R. 4869), which has recently been Referred to Committee. Otherwise, I would have had to make a large financial investment in Ocean Spray stock to get a reasonable ROI on all the cranberry juice that I have to consume annually to neutralize the poison fermented urine that builds up doing The Funky Chicken. Mother Nature provides no backup system and you always end up with a headache.

The draw-back to all of this is that Ocean Spray dropped 4.17% a share on word that government pots will now be equal. They always report stock fluxes “on word that” something or other in government has happened. Usually, Congress has not actually done anything yet, but the word is out.

I have now switched my investment portfolio to hundreds of stock in bottled water companies.