SWF (single writing female) seeks SWM (single writing millionaire) to share a show-don’t-tell life. Looking for someone who knows the difference between its and it’s, who and whom, there and their. Need a man who understands that good poetry doesn’t have to rhyme, and who avoids the use of incredibly annoying adverbs and adjectives. Extensive computer skills are a must, including the ability to recover lost manuscript texts in a single bound, remove inserted page numbering like a pro, and search and delete clichés.
Prefer an enabler who is eager to support a needy partner by providing unlimited resources, including a red Bugati with a Nathan Fillion look-alike chauffeur. Must also own a mansion equipped with high-speed Internet, Wi-Fi, a computer with a 30-inch screen and 32 gigs of memory, a home automation system, state-of-the-art home theater, half a mile of bookshelves, a Brad Pitt look-alike pool boy, Johnny Depp look-alike personal trainer, Margaret Rutherford look-alike maid, and Bobby Flay himself as the live-in chef.
Also expect unlimited charge accounts at Chanel, Cartier and Gucci, plus a multitude of writing implements and pretty journals with pictures of seashells and fairies on the covers. Ideal life partner should have an “in” with judges for the Pulitzer Prize, Man Booker Prize, and Nobel Prize in Literature, and must quote Shakespeare and Bill Bryson from time to time. The perfect mate possesses the wit of Mark Twain, the sensitivity of Deepak Chopra, and the looks of Fabio. Sex is possible, as long as it is not gratuitous. Lap dances are OK; laptops are better. Rejection of any kind is not an option. Send photos of mansion, car, and look-alikes to email@example.com.